Stone Street

There are three types of people who go to Stone Street after the markets close.

Sample A) Underage Goldman Scrotum interns reliving their high school days drinking in bars with college students, only this time they're hoping to polish the knob of some VP or MD.

Sample B) Traders from DeutscheLehmanUBSMorganLynchCiti Bank (oh you didn't hear? Blackstone bought up every bank on the island) who are under 35 hoping they can finally get into that interns pants

Sample C) 30-40 year old minimum wage-making, halfway decent-looking, insecure woman, hoping for an MD, VP, Associate, Analyst, Intern, Clerk, Pledge, etc. to buy them dinner, drinks, and hey, maybe make enough bad decisions to have to make some long term commitments in the future.

The Only Thing Better Than Earnings Season?

Lawsuit Season!

Merrill Lynching [International Herald Tribune]

Is it bad that Merrill has to dish out all its bonuses and then shoot off some more locks to pay off these lawsuits? EBITDA will now be referred to as EBITDAL* - earnings before interest, taxes, depreciation, amortization, and lawsuits.


*kind of sounds like a prescription drug that one could easily get addicted to, no?

I'll Take "Companies That End in oyota for $500 Please"

Detroit wants to talk labor. Good idea, because without workers, you can't tackle the real issue: companies ending in oyota.

In other news, Starbucks will be jacking up its prices for the second time in less than a year. The announcement comes after 'bucks CFO warned it would be hard for the company to meet its projected forecast. The price increase will not affect consumers as they will be to engorged in their iPhones, BlackBerries, and iBooks to give a shit. My recommendation: Starbucks should continue to jack up it's prices a few cents at a time, US Postal Service Style.

Hold Starbucks, but buy caramel frapuccinos.

It's up to you New York, New York

The Yankees faced the Kansas City Royals Monday night. While arguably one of the worst teams in baseball at the moment, Kansas City managed series victories against Boston and Detroit, the two teams with the best records in the league.

On Monday night, every Yankees starter recorded a hit in their 9-2 win over the Royals. New York's third quarter earnings have consistently outperformed the market with help from strong defense and a surge in offensive performance. Roger Clemens recorded his 351st career win Monday night, 100 more than the combined career total of Kansas City's pitchers. As always, contributing to Clemen's win was A-Rod. After coming off far better than expected first and second quarters, Rodriguez is now in possesion of a c-note of RBI's. And he's not done yet. Ticketholders can expect Rodriguez's 500th career homerun in the coming weeks, which will be sure to boost team earnings in New York's upcoming stretch against sub-.500 teams.

Hold the Red Sox as they have consistently met predicted earnings, however, it is clear that they will soon be feeling heat from New York.

As always, buy all things New York. At 7.5 games behind Boston and 5.5 behind in the wildcard, the Yankees are on pace to post better than expected returns in the upcoming quarter. Additionally, maintain Chien-Ming Wang at a buy as he works to improve his 10-5 record tonight against Kansas City.

[V]icarus

[V]icarus was famous for his death from falling into the [V]icarian Sea when he flew too close to the sun, melting the wax holding his artificial wings together. Another account of [V]icarus' plight depicts the young God in his indictment by a federal grand jury for "conspiracy to travel in interstate commerce in aid of unlawful activities and to sponsor a dog in animal fighting venture"

In the 2006 NFL season, Michael Vick threw for 20 touchdowns and 2,474 yards with the Atlanta Falcons. He ran for a spectacular 1,039 yards while averaging 8.4 yards per carry. Curiously missing from his NFL.com stats are his dog-fighting numbers (wins-losses-dogs slaughtered-dogs buried in back yard).

After being stopped by airport security a few seasons ago for possession of a seemingly marijuana-laced water bottle, I downgraded Vick to a hold rating.

After Vick's recent indictment, I have further downgraded Vick to a strong sell recommendation. In fact, the downgrade to a sell is the understatement of the century. Every extra word of mine that you read is valuable time that should be spent selling the shit out of any and all Michael Vick stock you are in possession of.


Other notable figures who have recently been downgraded to sell include:
-Former NBA referee Tim Donaghy
-Barry Bonds
-Garry Sheffield
-Kenny Lofton

Not So Fine Print

The following material has been prepared solely for my own amusement. It is not an offer, or solicitation of an offer, to buy or sell any security, financial instrument, human being, hooker, happy ending, or inanimate object.

It is based on information from sources believed to be completely unreliable. No representation is made that it is remotely accurate or complete.

Securities transactions involve numerous risks. In certain transactions, you could lose your shirt, pants, significant other, virginity, or incur unlimited loss. You should understand and discuss with your professional tax, legal, accounting, and other advisor(s) as you deem appropriate, how a transaction may make everyone you know lose all respect for you.